MISS MANNERS .

SUPPOSE YOU are really unable,
ever, to: reciprocate’ hospitality.
Must you then vow social ccliba-
cy?

* Mindful of Miss Manners’ ad-
monition that hospitality has to be
returned by hospitality — that. it
cannot: be paid for, event by
event, that someone who brings a
present or a dish to a host has not
thus cancelled his or her'social in-
debtedness — a Gentle Reader
pleads extenuating circumstances.
-*Consider, please, those
associates. who will never
reciprocate in kind because they
‘cannot,’ she writes. “They are
bright: and fun; they , will bring
‘gourmet dishes, money, love, and
brilliant party decor 35. miles.

“But their house is: not- my
house because of a sour spouse, a
sour house,.a kid just out of jail,
or. other. embarrassments they

‘cannot. cover up because they
work 50 hours a week’ and com-
mute another 20.

‘Also, they are convinced that
nobody would show up if asked.

‘People are sometimes sensitive
enough to detect this situation. So
some: arrange a fair contribution
by everyone concerned, so as to
have a celebration. Someone who

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LIFESTYLES
Crossing the fime line of hospitality abuse

may not have gourmet dishes,
money, love or decor may have a
decent place not more than 50
miles from everyoue,

“Where does fair sharing end,
and taking advantage begin? That
line, that line, it must. be some-
where... snuffle, snuffle, sniff,
sniff, Please be plain.”

Yes, yes, yes, bul please stop
crying. Miss Manners
it, Here, have a lavender-scented
handkerchief,

Miss Manners never meant to
be so harsh as to outlaw the co-
operative party, or to advise those
who entertain to keep strict ac-
counts of ‘retura invitations in
order to drop. delinquents, But
there have been so many ‘abuses of

‘hospitality on the part of both

hosts and guests that she really
must set strict limits on exceptions
to the principle of social reciproci-
ty.

Not only has it become com-
mon first to invite people and
then to inform them that they
must cook or pay, but a shocking
number of events are in honor of
the hosts — to celebrate a birth-
day, an anniversary, or even a
wedding.

‘That is not a cooperative party.
It is a mockery of hospitality, in
which
entertain is actually tricking others
into doing the work and meeting
the expenses of entertaining.

A legitimate cooperative party is
one in which several people decide
to entertain themselves, sharing
the responsibilities.

Consent is sought ahead of
time, because everyone concerned
is a host as well'as a guest. Such
an event can be done in someone’s
honor, if that person is excluded
from being a host, but it cannot
be done in honor of oneself.

“Shall we all get together and
put on a party for me?’ is not a
proper invitation, :

Nor is a proper social! attitude
“You can always be the host, and

[i always be the guest,’’ no mat- .

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sannot bear:

someone pretending to.

ter how generous a guest one may
c.

Miss Manners has a great deal
of sympathy for those who find it
impossible to entertain, and is
happy to carry them through such
a period,

Simply being busy, or not hav-
ing fancy equipment, is not an ex-
cuse for not bearing one’s share
of the socia) burden. Neither
being young or poor or having
small children.

All of these circumstances legit-
imately influence the ‘way one
entertains. People should entertain
in a style they can manage, not in
imitation of other peaple’s stand-
ards; a hamburger family-style

Citizen: ‘Card, Driver's

supper is a perfectly respectable
return on a formal dinner.

The point is to initiate and plan
entertainment for other people.
Even those who have the resources
to give frequent elaborate parties
are gratclul if someone else thinks
of. doing the inviting and arrang-
ing for a change. It makes them
feel appreciated in a way that no
present, no matter how
thoughtful, can do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS — Is
it proper to continue sending
greeling cards to a parent (for
birthday,, Christmas, Father’s
Day) when no acknowledgement
or reciprocation has been made
for many years? ’

Licence or Birth Certificate.

GENTLE READER — Are you
asking Miss Manners whether a
lack of response from a parent for
many years is a symptom that
ought to be checked out?

Parents who never respond to
their children’ are, at best, ex-

“tremely upset, and at worst, more

or fess deceased, Perhaps
ought to look into which it is.

you

You might keep in mind that
you have given this parent very
little to which to respond. A
printed card is the absolute mini-
mum in social communications,
and a parent who might have ex-
pected something personal may
well be too disheartened to reply,

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