C6-Wednesday, March 5, 1980 - North Shore News

QUESTION: What's wrong
with middle-aged people
who are always talking about
dying? My parents are 38
and 41 years old. And
they're always saying things
like, “When we die, we want
you to have that oak chest”,
or, “When we die, you'll
have a lot of responsibility”
(I have two younger sisters).
The other day I heard my
father say to my mother, “1
think I'd rather be cremated
than buried. What do you
think?”. If I were older, I
think I could handle it bet-

ter, but I am 17 and it really
bothers me why they talk
like that. I am worried that
they may know about some
sickness they have, but you
wouldn't think both of them
would be like that at once.
What can I do?

STEWART: Tell them that
you need their help because
you are very wormed and
bewildered about their death
talk and want to know why
they talk like that. You'll
probably find them to be
very surprised that they have

ne ee oe

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talk of death?

made you feel as you do. If
they take it too lightly, stick
with them a bit.

Let them know that if
there is some _ probability
they know of that makes
them feel they will die soon,
or earlier than average, you
want to know all about it and
also want to work out with
them how you can _ best
prepare yourself to accept
your responsibility with
poise and strength. Be sure
they HEAR you and talk it
over with you. Insist on it!

Sinning is a good teacher

QUESTION: I must say I've
got a lot out of your column.
To begin with I was just sort
of interested in people's
questions and how you
would answer them. Then I
began to see that I was
watching for helps in my
own life and reading with
more personal interest in
relation to my own
problems Your idea that we
can down-grade “shoulds”
and “shouldn'ts,” “rights”
and “wrongs” if we can find
ways to replace them with
something more useful,
really appealed to me.

I was awfully tired of
being told what was the
“right” way. Nearly always,
people who told me about
the “only right way” seemed
to be talking as some kind of
authorities. I never did like
that. So, I've been going
along with you in exploring
new and better ways for me.

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Pve been able to do this
pretty well without making
you just another “authority.”
But in my searching I've
come up against a conun-
drum I'm not handling very
well, I like where I'm
heading in my life but I am
worried about sin. Surely
there must be some things
that are just plain WRONG
for everyone. Yesterday I
saw a book by Karl Men-
ninger entitled
“WHATEVER BECAME
OF SIN?” I don’t know what
his book says, but I'd like to
ask you waht your answer is.

STEWART: I'm so glad you
don't want me to be an
authority — especially on
this topic! I have a hunch
that what is happening is that
we are veering away from
the very unhealthy concept
of sin being a naughty thing
for which we are eternally

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punished, and we are getting
closer to what may well be a
more-literal meaning of “sin”
as we Sense that it is “missing
the mark.”

I think there is less feeling
that sin is breaking the law
(particularly the religious
law) and in place of that
atutude there is developing
one that puts more emphasis
On our emerging into a
better quality of living. It 1s
profoundly related to our
becoming more fulfilled as
members of the total family
of human beings.

If you want to call that sin,
go ahead, it’s o.k. with me.
But please, don’t put
yourself down because of it.
Rather, accept yourself
where you are, knowing that
you are evolving, and that
your current “sinning” can be
a fantastic teacher and guide
for you. it shows so clearly
what you don’t want.

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ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
forappointments for individual. family or group counselling. His new
office in the Internauonal Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) ts for the
conventence of North Shore residents ,

Don’t call it a habit

QUESTION:
How do you break a habit? choosing to do, even after you have become certain
STEWART: the results of your choice you WANT to. Your
First off, quit calling it a haveturnedouttobeadrag. “shoulds” and “shouldn'ts”

habit. Giving it a ttle like Do you want to keep on _ will screw things up for you.

that gives it status and doing that to yourself? Not No habit is handled well
power. See it rather as often is value found in until you WANT to handle it
,something which you are “breaking” a habit before well.

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