22 — Wednesday, June 26, 1991 — North Shore News The sibling connection Brothers and sisters in later life “AMY SISTER and | were antago- nistic from the word go. We were always compared. I was the oldest and she was the young deautifui ene. Our relationship growing up was very poor.”’ When 68-year-old Fran Haberlin remembers her childhood telationship with her sister, it is hard for her to believe that they are so close today. ‘‘Last summer we spent several days together at the fake talking and enjoying each Other’s company. That never would have happened 450 years ago.”’ This scenario is familiar to social scientists who only recently have turned their attention to older siblings. During the middle years of our tives, when our time and energies are taken up with our own families and jobs, we tend to have less interaction with our sibl- ings. But as we age, we seek out more contact, particularly if the bond has been close before. Sixty-nine-year-oid Sid Kennedy has always been close to his brothers and sisters, but has noticed in the last few years that contact has increased. ‘‘When we were so busy with our own children, if we got together once a month it was pretty good. Once the kids left home things really changed. Today | see my brothers a lot more than I do my friends.”’ Today, those over 65 years of age are more likely than ever be- fore to have a surviving sibling. In fact, women are more likely to have a sibling than a spouse. In- grid Connidis, an Associate Pro- fessor of Sociology at the Univer- sity of Western Ontario, is study- ing sibling ties in later years. She says “Unlike other relationships, those among siblings include the sharing of a common cultural background and early experiences in a family. Siblings can play an important role in continuing the family sentiments of youth into adulthood and old age.”’ This is true for Fran Haberlin, who now cherishes the time spent with her sister and brothers. **When you are young you prefer your friends because there is not a lot of tension in those relation- ships. But when you are older you spend time with your sisters and brothers and say ‘remember when --’ there are strands of shared remembrances."” Not all aging sisters and brothers are equally close. Resear- chers emphasize that sisters become closer than brothers with advanced age, especially if one or both are widowed or otherwise single or chiidless. Yet sisters wifl also draw closer to brothers, if ei- ther is in need. For Sid Kennedy whose wife needs 24-hour care, the emotional support he gets is somcthing he has come to rely on. ‘They give more understanding than you would get from a friend. They understand my wife even though she cannot express herseif. I would be down in the dumps if 1 had no one but my wife and myself."” Among senior adults, brothers and sisters are more likely to share social activities than to assist one another. Ingrid Connidis points out “unlike other family ties, the primary motivation for maintain- ing contact with siblings is enjoy- ment rather than obligation.*’ Fran Haberlin says she and her PARTICIPACTION siblings shared responsibility for providing care for their aging mether in her declining years. The conflicts that arose during this period have eased since her mother’s death. ‘“‘Now 1 don’: have any expectations of my sibl- ings. We have all lived separate lives. It is a comfort to me to see them and be able io relate to them on a special kind of basis."* Dr. Connidis says the death of @ parent can have significant im- pact on the sibling relationship. **Following the death of a parent, previously weak ties may lead to the dissolution of the sibling rela- tionship. However, more often ties are strengthened upon the loss of parents.”’ This was the case with Fran Haberlin who says ‘‘after my mother's death, my sister and | started talking about our relation- ship as children. We saw that a lot of our problems were not of our own making. Our parents had entered into it with their own pre- judices and comparisons. When 1! was able to hear how my sister saw things, we saw each other in a different light.”’ But there are occasions when one or both siblings are unable to patch up a quarrel that may have arisen many decades ago. At 70, Wenda Erickson says she has no interest in being recon- nected with her sister. She remembers her childhood as being very unpleasant and she has never had a good relationship with her sister. “*l am quite happy that she has stayed in Calgary. % don‘i even write to her. | have growa in a totally different way and we don’t even speak the same lan- guage,”’ Nor does Wenda expect her relationship with her sister to im- prove. “It would be nice to think that you work out all your prob- lems before you die, but I don't think you have to feel guilty if you don’t.” Cleseness to siblings may be something we learn from our parents. If we have had the op- portunity tc observe friendly, warm ties between our purents and their siblings, we are more likely to enjoy that kind of bond later in life. Fran Haberlin en- courages her children to stay con- nected. ‘‘One of the things that | treasure more than anything in the world is that my own kids enjoy each other and support each other. I hear that they have been helpful to each other and that gives me great joy.”’ By Margaret Davidson and Maria LeRose (B.C. Council for the Family). NATURE'S WINDOW PRESENTS... LITTLE OC oy Free Emergency Road Service With Your Collision Coverage Calli for information on how to qualify for ROYAL AUTO INSURANCE Bonus: $20.00 buys you loss of use on your own car and rental! car coverage anywhere in Canada & United States. FOR ALL o & YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS 759 Park Royal North 922-9321 Melody Jeusen (outside entrance) re | IN PERSON "Design element featured in the Sacred Circle Print’ ONE SHOW IN CANADA — COME JOIN WITH US... For an invitation, show information, or to see the "Sacred Circle” print call Nature's Window Art Gallery at Eaton Centre Metrotewn 1176 - 4700 Kingsway ?GREENWICH Burnaby, B.C. WORKSHOP VSH 4M Authorized Dealer 439-3200 432-1661 MAIN GALLERY 2529 Kingsway Vancouver. B.C. V5R SH3 432-1661 430-4115 New West Quay 218 - 810 Quayside Dr., New Westminster, B.C. V3L 1A2 520-5020 NATURE'S WINDOW ART GALLERY ey 7