Ci4- Wednesday, August 26, 1981 - North Shore News

QUESTION: Fm almost 36,
a young woman in business,
ving om my own and doing
pretty well. The only thing I
would like to change or
improve upon is related to
my parents. They live half a
day's journey from me and
so they are not continually in
touch with me, but I wish it
were less.

You see I am their only
child and they seem utterly
unable to let go of me. They
are kind and thoughtful and
even generous, but they are
also squeezing at me in such
@ way as to maintain their
control of me. I am almost
certain they don’t know they
are doing this, but the im-
portant thing is, they ARE!

They are awfally eager for
me to be married, and yet in

their estimation, none of the
men I get close to are good
enough, or rich enoughy.or
young enough, or old.
enough. None of them
please my parents and they
subtly show their feclings
when they meet my men.
Ive wondered if they want
me married so they'll feel
they have done well by me.
Bat I also wonder if they
want me single so they are
still “responsible” for me and
so that I will feel dependent
upon them.

They continually ‘phone
me to see if I have done this
and that, if [ am eating
properly, if I spent their
birthday gift wisely, if I am
alone, etc., etc. They are
pretty zealous about
nutrition and want to know if

_ STEWART:

I am eating my yogurt (or
whatever). They keep saying
“we don’t want to interfere,
but we DO love you and we
are interested in how you are
getting along.”

I feel this is exercising
control over me and up ‘til
now, in order'to keep from
hurting them, I have gone
along with it. They are both,
in their different ways,
extremely sensitive people -
meaning they easily get hurt.

I want to establish my in-
dependence and yet I hate
the thought of hurting them,
even though I am furious
with them. Have you
suggestions about how I can
accomplish this ticklish task?

I'll start with
the famous old cook book

| ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-624.
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His
office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) ts for the
convenience of North Shore residents.

peaking about

nosy parents .......

QUESTION: I am 26 years
of age and my parents are
doing a very good job of
controlling almost every
aspect of my life. What can |
do with a set of parents like
that? They are making me
sick!

STEWART: They are not
really, you know. You are
the one that is making you
sick. You are doing it by
postponing your = respon-
sibility and = privilege of
growing up. However, 1
think you have = already
started, because your letter
shows you are fed up with
the way you are handling
things and want to do a much
better job. Good for you!

As you take your stand
and start to live on your own
hfe more completely, just be
sure you do not deliberately
try to punish your parents,
or Im any way proceed so
that) you are intentionally
hurting them. They may feel
like you are hurting them on
purpose, but be sure you do
your changing tn such a way
that YOU will know you are
simply establishing your own
responsibility and acting like
a grown human being, and
that) you are in no
whatsoever making

way
them

hurt. As I said up above. if
they are hurt, it will be of
their own choosing
you try to hurt them.

unless

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nore
roaCeRiIiorns Lto

comment. Under the
heading BARBECUED
CHICKEN the first line
reads: first you find a

chicken. In your case the
heading is ESTABLISHING
INDEPENDENCE. The first
line reads: first you start
being independent.
You'll have to make a
start. You say you have
wanted to, and even tried to,
but your parents are sen-
sitive and you don’t want to
hurt them. You will not hurt
them by becoming in-
dependent. They may
choose to act hurt, or even
to be hurt. But you will not
be hurting them. If they are
hurt, they will be doing the
hurting to themselves. It is
not good for them to con-
tinue steering you and
shaping your life. So do
them the favour of getting on
with your independence.
Perhaps they will be shocked
at first, but you will be doing
them a favour in the long
run. Strangely enough, they
will probably feel sure that
their way of relating to you
has led you into your in-
dependence!
You don’t need to be
hurtful. You may not even
need to tell them that you
have made a decision, or
that you are going to change.
Just get on with it. Listen to
what they say and take every
bit of wisdom they have for
you that is really appropriate
to your situation. If it is not
appropriate, do 1 your way.
Don't explain or apologize.

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or say “I don't want to hurt
you, but...” You will NOT
be hurting them, so don't say
you are sorry. If they are
hurt, THEY will be doing it.
You may feel a little lonely
at first, or a little bit ap-
prehensive, but very soon
you will feel great. A little
later, they will too. One

‘rom under parents’ thumb

more thing. Probably you
have been hoiding back in
your growing up and saying
to yourself, that it is because
you don’t want to hurt them.
Copout! Don’t hurt them on
purpose. Leave that job to
them. But don't blame them
for one more day! It's YOUR
job to grow up, not theirs.

loved one
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