C14-Sundazay News, June 15, 1989
[P °

ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
forappoiniments for individual, family or group counselling. His new
office in the Internanonal Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the
conventence of North Shore residents.

Kids aren’t stupid

QUESTION:

I suppose
everyone has his pet peeves.
Mine ts related to one of the
ways that parents pot down
their kids. I Literally cringe
when I hear a mother or a
father say to their kids,

“Don’t be so stupid!” fm

sure one reason it gets to me
is because I heard it so often
as akid. Do you know it took
me more years than I want to
admit before it dawned on
me that I wasn’t really all
that stapid and that what
they sald to me was just a
phrase they used to help
them in their task of bringing
up their child. I know there
are all sorts of books written
on parenting and perhaps
they are being read and
studied more than they used
to be, but 1 was wondering ff
you would care to make a

QUESTION: I heard =the
other day that it would take
just about 18 billion dollar
to feed everyone in the
world for a year. lt sounded
ike a lot of money to me.
But the punch line followed.
That's about how much is
spent on defence every two
weeks! Do you think those
figures are accurate? And, ff
(ve got tt right, what do you
think ¢hmt says about us
haman beings?

STEWART: I dont know if
those figures are accurate or

not, but | beheve they jibe

Bearin

QUESTION: | tect obligated
to accept a lot of respon.
sibility for so many peoplic
thar ['m going crazy. Well,
that's an exaggeration, of
-ourse, bat | certainly am
anguished by my situation.
Quite a lew of my relatives
and friends seem to be
almost helpless. | don't mean
they crippled oor ill,
ahtthhough one ta f moan they
look
themachves and make

are

can't seem = to altos

thelr
ac@¢dcpe

decisions and

responsibillty for

them
how
leag | can carry the load

What's to be done?

scives. | dont hnow

NA Mone Chern

remove hair permanently

comment on this insidious
phrase.

STEWART: My old reliable
Oxford Dictionary discloses

that ‘insidious’ means
(amongst other things),
‘treacherous, crafty’. The

crafty part does not apply
here I think, but the phrase
you are upset about certainly
is treacherous in that it
teaches a kid to be a traitor
to himself. If a kid is bet-
ween the ages of, let’s say
five and 10, and hears those
words — “Don't be stupid!”
— what he registers is, “My
father thinks I am stupid”
At that age, even if the child
is rebelhous, he tends to
believe his father as being -
THE authority in his life —
THE authority whose word
is to believed as gospel truth
So, 1t follows, that in no tame

with what
about two weeks, ago

I] heard on TV
What
do those figures say about us
humans? They tcll me that
we tearn very slowly indeed
They tell me we need to
learn new ways of letting our
leaders know that MOST of
us would rather feed our
neighbours, (any of them)
than kill our neighbours (any
of them). lam confident that
there ts an
majority

overwhelming
of us who would

rather live together in peace

than choose up sides) and
kill But) we are not very
good at fetting cach other

STEWARE: If you

children of your own

have
(who
are stall haldren ) you have o
vahd responsibility Agreed?
But for adults and for others

children

people's you dont
have, cacept ino tare ot

cumstances In fact (eacept
for those special situations
which most us us Cc.

perience | you) have a
responsibility NOT ta be

ceaponsible for other poopie
Accepting cesponsabelity feos
others

quite Adore s

often
thems mone

tell

are! fou theirs

Huavnary Utvaren pre revel

(leeany all feos sahe

Vorul
that your leave

Slanted ra cn a progtanvene oof

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Vive teat dary Abe fn Per

Kawai on
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Aeon
Marte Staftord Qualltted and
registered elec trologint invites ° ~
calle tor a personal and private ( | )
consultation

;
(ye Chore

es vase

980 2022
Room 2178 Medical Dental Building
1940 Lonsdale. North Vancouvart

he is hearing another voice
from within himself, saying,
“You are stupid — your
father says so.” Pretty soon
he cuts it down to a very
powerful, “You are stupid”.
And, he believes it.

Let’s follow the same
progression when a_ child
hears his father say, “Do you
think you'll ever amount to

hie Fe ” — and this ts from
he is, in © So.

in effect,

saying if. “You don't |

amount to anything”. And,
again, he believes it! It may
take bim years, aS in your
situation, to be able to say.
“My dad was wrong. I've
discovered 1 DO amount to
something, and | am NOT
stupid”. Hey mom and dad,
have a care about what you
say to your kids They'll
believe you!

e learn so slowly

know we meanit Phat truth
will be turned into activated
relatedness when we learn to
radiate it one by one It's tow
slow all together for us to try
to ‘plan’ it and ‘organize’ it
and ‘fund’ it Our op
portunity for change hes in
our BEING the change we
want to see happen I mean
you and me That rumbhng
of voices you avw hear is
coming from people who are
saying, “The guy's a crazy.
starry cyed, day -dreaming
idceahst”. To them, all I can
“You know a better,
quicker way?)

say ts,

burdens

helping them be

responsible

more
for themscives
by gradually withdrawing all
of your

sccond mile Con

comms Help them out by
showing them you are
learning to have confidence
in thet own abthties That

will save some of the wear

and tear on yore own

chemgecs and belreve me ou
will be a kindness toothem Hf
that soumds tow tough for
you remember To let you
land med off the  thewok by
telling yous Iwhee that
sounmectlimnes caceptional
Ct: umstaaees call bove
supproct beyond the line cf
Feo aig chaty

‘se votes fl atte re: Ley inpep mot adr svese ef

Moovgy vaate Mir vers. cape dt

va Paty ee yertan wes

929 41466 (ros }

Don’t give him a thing

QUESTION: I missed the
chance of a life-time and
now I'm wondering what I
can do about it. I met a
fellow about a month ago
and we got along very well.
Had a neat time doing all
sorts of things together. then
I found out he was not the
person he was pretending to
be and he had played a
rotten trick on me. It was
really terrible what he did. I
was so furious that I did not
get In touch with him for
three days. Then I decided
he needed a real telling off
and I was the one to do it. I
went straight to his place and
was told that he had moved
out and had, in fact gone to
Belgiam, where his sister
lives, So that’s the chance |
missed. I was all ready to
tear a strip off him and felt
really cheated to get cheated
out of It. Now here's the
question. Do you think i
would be a good idea to
write him and give him what-
for by mail? lt would not be
as satisfying to me, bat I
think he deserves to be
dragged over the coals. I'd
certainly like to give him a
piece of my mind. Would a
scorching letter do it? He
shouldn't be let to get away
with that sort of thing.

STEWART: Are you sure
you want to give him a piece
of, your oind? Most of us
need all the mind we have
developed just in order to
run our own hives, without

tryin to straighten out
ying g

someone else. Write the
letter, then burn it. You'll
save the postage and you'll
not need to deal with
anything else that might
develop as a result of your
mailing it. If he were to
receive your scorcher, he
might ignore it, or he might
defend himself, or show you
how wrong you were, or tell
you you're dreaming, or,
worst of all, he might
apologize. Then you'd be
saddled with another heavy,
po matter which of those five
procedures he would choose
to follow. Is that what you
want? What bothers me most
of all in your telling him off
is this. You would be putting
him in charge of healing
your hurt and peeve. It has
nothing to do with him. The
thing YOU want to ac-
complish does not depend on

him,
Write

it depends on you.
it and burn it and

forget it and get on with it.
Who elected him to solve
your dilemmas? Or you, to
solve his?

Bote" :
one spray et

Ci nsctrontutett rere Y

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