38 - Wednesday, March 6, 1985 - North Shore News Funerals brin he supreme test of family manners is held when the bereaved gather to dismantle the house of a deceased relative, and to distribute all the belongings that were not meniion- ed in the will. by Judith Martin Oh, Miss Manners knows how vicious things got in your family when the last wedding was planned. She has heard reports of large holiday dinners, when a lot of overstuffed and cranky people deemed it appropriate to have frank exchanges. She has. heard opinions of your ‘relatives’ graduaticns and anniversary parties, all of which where staged for the express purposé of extracting presents from you that you grudge giving. She was the unwilling confidant of your plans for behaving toward your former spouse’s present spouse, not only on family occasions, but indirectly, through children or whoever else you thought of enlisting to deliver your sentiments. Most of all, she is familiar with your philosophy of family manners: that in- timacy renders politeness unnecessary. But for outright family ugliness, she nominates the distribution: of goods, no matter how valuable or trivial, after a death. Funerals themselves pro- vide opportunities for un- pleasantness among those who have a keen eye for seizing them, and are an ex- cellent occasion for relatives who did not participate in making funeral arrange- ments to declare them to be either vulgarly showy or “not doing right by’’ the deceased. ~~ - The shortage of time and emotional energy usually postpones the worst, however, and most people confine themselves to criti- cizing one another’s clothes, general demeanor, facial ex- pressions and whether or not they cried. All of these can be pronounced either disrespectful or hypocritical. It is later, after the con- straints of being observed in their mourning by outsiders are removed, that the family hits its stride. Customary remarks, when the residence . of a deceased person is being closed, include: “I know Mama would have wanted me to have this.” “It seems only fair, since he left you the car, that 1 should get the equivalent.” “['m entitled to more, because I was the one who looked after them.’’ ‘“*Oh sure, grab HOME FURNISHINGS Warehouse/Showroom OPEN TO THE PUBLIC (2 btks, behind the Avaton) at 1075 Roosevelt Cres., N.Van. 12.3 Sn 985-8738 Ou everything. You were always the favorite, weren't you? You always got everything you wanted.’’ “This goes with my things — it would only look strange in your house.” “You're never going to use it, so why take it?” . “Of course, the jewellery goes to me, It always goes to the eldest.” “1! have children and you don't, so I should take this to keep it in the family.”” “Papa always meant me to have this, but he never got around to putting it in the will.” Miss Manners hates to in- trude on such a domestic scene, but would like to sug- gest that these arguments are as meaningless as they are ugly. Wills exist in order to allow people to express their intentions about the distribution of their belong- ings after their deaths. That they generally do not provide for the distiibution of everything they own is presumed to mer that they have no strong ‘feelings about what is left over. Whether their wishes are fair, as judged by the merits or relationships of the sur- vivors, whether carelessness made them overlook . some items, or whether they changed their minds -but ‘ the worst forgot to alter their wills are questions that it is to0 late to remedy. The proper form for this sad event is, then, to have the immediate heirs gather and take turns choosing what they want, with no arguments, especially no arguments from ancient family history, necessary to bolster the choices. More distant relatives are then asked what they would like. For conversation, Miss Manners suggests exactly reversing all the above remarks. There is nothing wrong with, ‘‘l know Mamma would have liked you to have this,’ ‘It seems only fair since I got the car, you should take more now” and “I think that as the one who took Niwth Se such good care of them, you ought to have whatever you like."* DEAR MISS MANNERS — Perhaps you might say a word about people who rep- ly by telephone to R.S.V.P.5 on invitations where no tele- phone number is listed. We have a friend who ever tele- phones to say she can't come, and then goes on at length to say why not! And then there are those who wait until the time of the party to telephone and ask directions, GENTLE READER The word (said twice) is “Tsk.” A party invitation does not sifnify that one is also invited to make a tele- phone visit to a busy hostess. hove Ctectrol, remove hair i Hhore —minimum of discomfort ~private consultation by appointment --facial, legs, arms, underarms —corecting hairtines and arching ayebrows. 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