38 — Wednesday, July 22, 1992 - North Shore News

ECE

Mother-in-law making life miserable

DEAR MISS MANNERS — I was married the first time
for 22 years and simply adored my mother-in-law. I have
not been so lucky with my present mother-in-law of 10

years.

I feet the animosity started
thvough jealousy, as I have always
been referred to as ‘‘the poor little
rich gizt.’’ She never cails me by
my name, but always ‘‘madam’’
— e.g., ‘Good morning,
madam,’ ‘“‘Would you like some
coffee, madam?"

I have repeatedly asked her not
to call me this, but she insists. My
husband is inclined to agree with
his mother, saying she does not
mean to be offensive. Now they
both say I am overreactin3,
because the dictionary states that
the word ‘‘madam” is a polite
term of address.

1 feel sarcasm is the fowest form
of wit.

GENTLE READER — It is so
low, in fact, that Miss Manners
feels sure you would not want to
resort to it yourself, even in your
own defense. We do not believe in
retaliatory rudeness.

However, in this case, you seem
to have both your mother-in-
law’s and your husband's testi-

HELP’S AT Hand, by
North Shore Community
Services (NSCS), is a forum
for discussing government
policies and programs,
benefits, consumer and legal
rights, taxation and public
services.

Answers are intended only as a
general guide and should not be

Judith
Martin

MISS’ MANNERS

mony that addressing you by the
properly formal term ‘‘madam”” is
intended to bz polite rather than
sarcastic. So surely it would also
be polite to refer to them, respec-
tively, as ‘‘madam"’ and ‘‘sir."’

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
When [ asked my stepdaughter
what I should wear to her wed-
ding, she answered, ‘‘Anything
you want."

This leads me to believe [ am
considered just another guest. My
feeling is that since I am the
‘*‘puest’’ of the father of the bride
(who will be wearing a tuxedo), I
should dress more nicely than the
average wedding guest. I have no
idea what her mother or mother-
in-law wili be wearing.

What color is appropriate? The
bride will be in ivary, the brides-
maids in black. | presume these
two colors are out.

What about red — too flashy?

GENTLE READE® Miss
Manners is pleased that you un-
derstand that clothing can be
symbolic. This is not an obvious
concept in a time when so many
people naively believe that it is
merely functional, a matter of
taste and comfort.

But she must confess an inabili-
ty to follow what it is that you
expect to convey here. Symbolism
seems to have run amok at this
wedding.

Yes, there is a tradition that

wedding guests do not wear white
(because the bride does) or red (as
you say, it’s flashy), much less
black, which is the traditional
color of mourning and conveys
sadness. But then how is one to
interpret bridesmaids dressed in
black?

And while the bride is specially
costumed, there is no outfit of
which Miss Manners knows that
says, ‘I'm not just anybody —
I'm the bride’s stepmother."’

Also, everybody is supposed to
dress “‘nicely’’ — there is no rule
that says the more involved you
are with the family, the better you
are supposed to dress.

Miss Manners suggests you
merely put on the nicest dress you
have, in a wedding-y color or
print, and a nice face along with
it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS — In
my semi-rural community, aearly
every funeral is serviced by the
same focal funeral dicector. If
there are no relatives of the
deceased to act as pallbearers, the
funeral director supplies them.
They are not always (he same
men, so I guess it is a case of who
can take time off from his

applied to individual cases without
further consultation.

Question: I am an elderly per-
son and I own a small house.
Recently I} hired someone to cut
my lawn and do some minor yard
work. The problem is that the bill
was iwice what I was queted. I
paid it, grudgingly, but I want to
know how to avoid this problem
in the future.

Answer: Unfortunately you are

Researcher seeks families

THE STEP—FAMILIES Pro-
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Columbia (UBC) is conducting
a study of couples who have at
least one child from a previous
union living with them.

The research is funded by
the Social Sciences and
Humanities Research Council
of Canada and the procedures
of the study have received ap-
proval from the Human Sub-
ject Review Committee at
UBC.

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couples cope with these
challenges, say program of-
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People interested in sharing
their experiences are invited to
contact Dr. Jennifer Campbell
at 822-3805 for further infor-
mation.

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not the first person to have expe-
rienced this inisfortune. Elderly
people such as yourself can find
that they are subject to offers
from unscrupulous business peo-
ple and often have difficulty turn-
ing them down.

When dealing with anyone ped-
dling goods or services to you —
in person or on the telephone —
remember to make careful con-
sideration.

Ask yourself if you really need
and want the product or service
and if it is the best available at the
price. Don’t be rushed into sign-
ing any agreement, and if you
have any doubis, simply say
“no.” .

It doesn’t sound as though the
amount you have been overcharg-
ed was very substantial, but if it
was, you could consider legal ac-
tion in Small Claims Court.

This unfortunately’ can be a
costly and time-consuming pro-
cedure, with costs surpassing the
origina) loss. You can see that the
best policy is to take steps to pre-
vent being taken in the first place.

Consumer educators generally
advise people to avoid hiring any-
one who goes door-to-door. Of
course it can be tempting because

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the price seems lower than you
could get elsewhere. However, as
you have discovered, the cost is
not always better in the long rux:.

The most important policy to
remember is to receive your quote
in writing with a description of
what will be done for that
amount, That way, if a dispute
arises over the amount or if you
need to take legal action you will
have proof of your agreement.

Unfortunately, without a writ-
ten contract you will probably db:
out of fuck.

You might also consider asking.
for the names of other people in
your area who have used their
services and check up on their
quality of work.

Another way to get your yara
work done is to hire a student.
During summer months the
Canada’ Employment Centre for
Students (666-9192) has names of
students who will do odd jobs.

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business.

These pallbearers always sit in
the froat of the church on the
left, while family and friends sit
on the right. Throughout the Mass
and funeral rite, the congregation
is asked by the priest to sii, stand
os kneel, but these palibearers
never move. it is possible that
they have been instructed by the
funeral director to sit throughout
the service, but whether they are
Catholic or not, it appears to me
to be rude and disrespectful.

GENTLE READER — These
people seem to misunderstand the
etiquette of being a professional
mourner, a job with a long, if not
quite palatable, tradition.

Far from being a modern con-
cession to fragmenizd society, the
custom has calmed down con-
siderably since people used to be
paid to take positions normally
filled by bereaved friends and rel-
atives. Weeping and wailing, of
sometimes dramatic proportions,
were considered professional
courtesy,

In remaining aloof from the
congregation, these pallbearers are
violating the etiquette.

You can also try the Senior
Citizens’ Repair Service at 291-
1133.

There is always the yellow pages
or the classified ads for the names
of people offering yard services. If
you are unsure about any business
you are dealing with, it might be
worth a cail to the Better Business
Bureau at 668-2711 where you can
check on their credibility.

The Consumer Help Line can
give you free advice on the tele-
phone about these types of prob-
Jems. They can be reached at
682-3535 of 682-2920 on Mon-
days through Thursdays from 10
a.m. to 3 p.m.

This column is prepared with
financial assistance from the
Notary Foundation. For more in-
formation call NSCS at 985-7138.

S-136

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